Monday, January 11, 2016

VG Diaries: Black Metal Dragonborn

So, Skyrim looks like Norway and other mountainous regions of Scandinavia. If there was any doubt about that, one could always speak to a Nord and listen to their accent or turn their gaze to the carved woodwork and other design traits dominating their architecture. I've spent around 500 hours travelling the harsh, unforgiving wilds of Skyrim, where one can find the burned remnants of a family and their household around one corner, and a body desecrated by the bloody rituals of a necromancer around the next. Constantly fearing death by fire or some other element from above, one starts to wonder: What would make the perfect dragonborn?

I contimplated this matter for many playthroughs, finally coming to a conclusion: he or she must be the most metal son of a bitch to ever grace Tamriel. Not just any metal, either, but the deepest and blackest of all metals. The kind where no song on the album is shorter than ten minutes long; the kind riddled with intermissions of the cold ambient sounds of wilderness to nip at your eardrums.

I dropped my current save and started a new one. At first, I tried layering black face paint over an albino white Nord. It was just the vanilla face paints, which I decided wasn't enough. I quickly found a mod for corpse paint, which is amazing by the way, and got to work. I present to you now: my perfect Dovahkiin:


A warrior forged in the frozen depths of the Tundra in the dead of night, his magic as cold as the black ice that runs through his veins. That is a face no mother could love, and a face that could love no mother. His only friends are ice wraiths and barren wastelands. His name... Tartar Sauce, because he makes me think of grumpy cat. 

I've honestly never completed the storyline of Skyrim myself. I've watched my family beat the main quest plenty, so I know the lore, mind you. I've almost beaten it myself before discarding my character for a new one... after that, I dreaded the Thalmor embassy crap enough that I steered clear of the main quest. Couldn't be assed... This time, though, I will do ALL QUESTS, including the guild that I've not even begun before, the Dark Brotherhood. (Sorry, wasn't interested... I'm still not, really. I'm a huge Morag Tong fan, just to put that out there.)

No one controls Tartar Sauce. No one.

If I get any more decent pictures along the way, or do anything noteworthy, like accidentally setting a church on fire with my voice, I'll keep you posted. Honestly, I think I will be making this guy a traditional character of mine and start making him in as many games as I can... but only if convincing corpse paint can be found.

Now if only someone would mod that cat into the game for his companion. Or, perhaps, Fadades...

(Seriously... watch it until the 1:30-1:35 scene. It's life changing.)